“How do I forgive myself?”
This is a question I get asked somewhat frequently as a pastor. Typically by someone who has recently received Jesus’ forgiveness for their sins. They believe Jesus forgives them. But they can’t forgive themselves. So they ask me how they can do that.
And in all honesty, I don’t have a great answer.
The Bible doesn’t talk about “forgiving yourself” specifically. I can’t point to a simple verse and say “do this”, like I can when it comes to the need to forgive others: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32
But forgiving yourself is a whole different animal.
I show people Psalm 103:12, as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Reminding them that their sins truly are totally gone once Jesus has forgiven them.
But typically the guilt, shame, remorse, regret, and haunting memories remain. It’s one thing for me to say “those sins are gone”. I didn’t see the faces of the people they hurt. I didn’t see the families forever changes by their actions. I don’t have these vivid memories swirling in my head. Just because a pastor tells you “those sins are gone” doesn’t make everything good as new with the people you’ve damaged. Or when pastor tells you, “that was the old you, this is the new you”, to you, you are still you. You still did those things. You have those memories and those regrets.
So I’m reaching out to my blog audience for help on this one.
Help for me as a pastor to give better counsel, and help for readers (and people in my church) who are asking this same question.
All advice or suggestions are welcome, though I’m specifically hoping that someone will give testimony of their own life in this area. Someone who received Jesus’ forgiveness later in life, when some scarring sins had really accumulated… (This is not to say my sins don’t leave scars, but there is a difference in the type of haunting memories certain sins create and the ways things concretely affect other lives in lasting ways) …and how you’ve been able to “forgive yourself”, in order to move on as the new creation Christ has made you, not being weighed down by guilt that is no longer yours.
Please use the comment section below (feel free to comment anonymously if you prefer). I hope to repost your advice in a helpful post for people who are struggling in this area. Thank you.
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Start by reading the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m not sure there’s ever been a more down-to-earth interpretation of the good news. I was clearly written in the 50’s, but the overall effect is incredible. All councilor- and theologian-types should be familiar with it and be recommending it to others, regardless of the behavior involved. It’s pretty easy to generalize it to stuff other than alcohol as you read.
Thanks for the resource recommendation Patrick. Do you recommend reading the entire Big Book or just reading through the 12 steps? (or are these even two different things?)
I really struggled with forgiveness until I realized that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. It is also not forgetting a past sin, minimizing hurt, or reconciling a relationship. It is just making the decision to forgive.
I can decide to forgive someone else and trust God to deal with them. When I think of them I might still have negative feelings arise but I can find peace knowing that it is not my job, but Gods job to judge them. Forgiving doesn’t mean that you need to rekindle a relationship, sometimes that is not necessary. Forgiveness is for the benefit of the person who forgives; to help you heal.
Forgiving yourself though, is never as easy as forgiving others. It’s not as though we can just erase our memories and forget the bad images, faces or pain that we lived through because of our own actions. Beating ourselves up and always asking “what if” will not lead to healing, and unfortunately those are things that we tend to do too often. Truly understanding that God has forgiven us is the key to forgiving ourselves. You can decide to forgive yourself but that doesn’t mean that you will never have a sad, depressing, negative feeling go through your head ever again. Leaning on God for strength and growth,connecting with other people who have been through the same thing, and sharing your testimony will help you to deal with some of those lingering negative feelings. There are many people who need your help and you might not even realize it until you share your story.
In a recent bible study I learned that when we say, “I know God can forgive me, but I can’t forgive myself” we are elevating our ability to forgive over God’s ability. And if we don’t completely accept God’s forgiveness, then we are buying the lie that Christ’s sacrifice on the cross was not sufficient to cover our sins. Understanding the cross is the key to true forgiveness and freedom.
This is excellent Alicia, thanks a lot. Can you I make this into a new blog post?
Of course
I am struggling g with this right now. I’ve broken the 10 commandments through the last 20 years of my life. I was raised as a Christian and followed Jesus for a long time, then I went astray. I was also deceived.
I’ve finally come back to Him, realizing I left Him but He never left me. I’ve repented and repented to those I’ve hurt. I’ve been forgiven by God and my husband. And I’ve also forgiven. However I still have guilt and shame. Everyday I just wake up thankful to Jesus and make conscious efforts in everything I do to stay true to myself and God. I also try to treat myself well with doing or participating in things I like to bring more joy in my life! I believe the shame and guilt will subside overtime. Knowing Jesus was loving me even though I was going to hell and truly feeling sorry will get me past my own self inflicted pain.
Thank you for sharing Jenn. I apologize for my delay in responding. Keep going to Jesus every day and reminding yourself of the truths of Scripture. I love Colossians 1:22
I have wounds in my life that seem like they won’t ever go away. A mentor told me that maybe God is using these wounds to keep me at the foot of the cross, seeking Jesus’ love and grace every day like you described.