What does the Bible say about singleness / being single?
Stop Shaming Single Christians: The strand of three chords in Ecclesiastes has nothing to do with marriage
I recently attended a wedding where the pastor used Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 as his text to describe marriage. “Two are better than one…If either of them falls down, one can help the other up…But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” This text is not about marriage. The laying down together is not sexual, it is simply practical in an era where there was no indoor heating. You would lay down together so you didn’t freeze! And the third strand of the cord is not referring to God; it’s referring to a third human (The entire context of the list in these four verses is humans helping humans…God isn’t going to lay down with you in bed and keep you warm…). When we read these things about marriage into the text (as the pastor did), it not only belittles singles (“oh pity them!”), it also gives an unbiblical emphasis on marriage, which shames singles like they are second class Christians or are Christians God is holding out on.
If you want to use the “cord of three strands” imagery in your marriage ceremony to depict you, your spouse and God, that’s fine. But don’t preach a sermon saying that the meaning of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is for married people in a way that directly rejects it applying to single people. The meaning of the text has to do with friendship and community, things that singles are uniquely positioned (much better than married people) to excel in. Fan the flame of this great teaching into the lives of Christian singles, don’t douse it by reading marriage into the text, glorying marriage to a pedestal the Bible never puts it on.
Is marriage good?
Sure.
Is it better than singleness?
No.
Is it more holy than singleness?
No.
Is it commanded by God in the Bible over singleness?
No.
In fact, the more I study what Jesus and Paul say about singleness, the more I am convinced that singleness is the ideal presented by the Bible and marriage is the concession (heyo!), not the other way around. Don’t take my word for it, take Paul’s:
1 Corinthians 7:7 I wish that all of you were (single) as I am . But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
1Corinthians 7:32-35 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.
Put those phrases together, “I wish that all of you were (single) as I am…I would like you to be free…live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord…he who does not marry does better.”
Have you ever heard that sermon preached?
I don’t mean that singleness is an option, but that it’s the prescribed ideal biblical option for discipleship, and that marriage is a concession given but far from an ideal.
We need to stop shaming singles and stop pitying singles in the Church. We also need to stop misreading and mis-teaching the Bible.
Marriage is not to be worshiped.
Sex is not to be worshiped. (That includes sex within marriage)
Jesus is to be worshiped.
We should be looking to singles to blaze the trail on this, not shaming them as incomplete or second class Christians.
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Awesome post, Noah. As a married man I can relate to how often service to God in helping others conflicts with married life. You can’t be in two places at once …
Thank you for this. I have discussed the possibility of celibacy as a better means for achieving certain callings in my life. It’s very possible I’ve been over-sensitive but I have honestly often felt like a leper or sociopath for even mentioning the possibility to certain Protestant friends.
Very distressing to me, not only to see so few pursuing a celibate lifestyle, but to see it openly looked down on. I pray we can take ourselves out of our historical vacuum and see why this church tradition has been, and should remain, a valued one.
With all the CCDA talk, it might be worth looking at our Catholic brother and sisters’ example of encouraging vocational training and contemplation from an early age – with an emphasis on celibacy as a potential calling.
Thanks Brett. In the book I’m working on / waiting on getting published about how men can find their identity in Christ in an oversexualized world, I begin with 3 readings that are for single men only. In them, I really blast the pedestal the Church has put marriage (and subsequently, sex) on. It’s an unbiblical pedestal and is so damaging. Thank you for sharing how you’ve experienced that damage. It is very frustrating, though something I was blind to until recently. I will continue to do all I can to shine the biblical light on singleness.
Agreed, Brett! As a young Christian single, I am constantly bombarded by the teaching that we must all “get married’, as soon as we have even the slightest bit of sexual desire, as if marriage can come just by the snap of one’s fingers. I am frankly sick of it!
My friend in ministry and I believe that one should simply stay single, unless and until God calls one to marry. We believe that both singleness and marriage are callings. We believe that singleness is ideal as it enables one to focus on serving God, and that does not mean church ministry, but any vocation including non-church approved secular vocations that God has called one to, such as being an academic in a secular field, in journalism, science, arts, or film making.
Thanks for the comment antimammon. I encourage you to keep serving the Lord in your singleness. There is so much freedom there when someone is really intentional about it; so much freedom and so much fruit. I think the first chapter of Beyond the Battle would be a big encouragement to you.
Noah, Just wanted to say that I read it and it is important that we true to the context.
Thanks, Sibyl
Thank you Sibyl! God has been putting my single brothers and sisters on my heart more and more in my ministry and writing.
Interesting. I think this overlooks one command that came before any of the rest of them did. “Be fruitful and multiply”. Not saying marriage is better than singleness or singleness is better than marriage but to answer the call of that original commandment from God directly would mean you’d be married. This is one of those moments where in scripture we have to ask ourself was Paul allowed to interject his opinion while being inspired to write scripture?
Hi roberturie, thanks for the great question. I’ve thought about that as well. I think that command was given to humankind as a whole, and that we’ve done a good job of fulfilling it (over 7 billion global population) to the point that it doesn’t need to commanded to individual Christians. I think this is further backed up by the fact that it’s never mentioned again in the Bible and we have notable single Christians like Jesus and Paul who did not have children. It definitely could not be considered a command knowing that Jesus didn’t fulfill it, otherwise he’d be in sin and/or not obeying the whole law. On a related note, unless Paul is telling us something is his opinion, which he only does rarely, we should not ever assume anything is just “his opinion” rather than God’s authoritative word. I’m not trying to come down hard on you about that, just something I felt worthy of mention here.
I agree with you Pastor. Ecclesiastes 4 is not about marriage. Verse 9 does not say that the two are married. There is no mention here of a husband or a wife or a spouse or a mate but simply two individuals working together to get more work done. Verse 10 does not say that both are married (someone who helps his spouse who has fallen) but someone who helps his fellow worker, his colleague who has fallen. And ”Woe to him that is alone” is not a teaching about singleness; if that was the case, Paul would have repeated those words but he did not (1 Corinthians 7:8). Verse 11 says ”if two lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone?” This verse of laying down together does not say that both are married and may also apply to travellers who sleep outdoors under the stars; this be one of the reasons why Christ sent out his disiples in pairs (Mark 6: 7,Luke 10:1).
Thanks Alain! That’s good scriptural support.
I believe, in my own tiny mind, that when two people join their bodies together in sex they share their souls. That’s where marriage comes in, “Two people become one”. When the partner dies the other person receives their half soul again. When multiple sex partners are the case the soul is spread very thinly and getting a whole soul back is virtually impossible. Celibacy is one way of keeping souls intact. Sharing one’s soul with another is a sacred experience and should be kept that way, sanctioned by God.
Thanks Janet. You are hitting on the “one flesh” design of Scripture. My most recent blog articles talks about this a bit more. https://www.noahfilipiak.com/the-primary-purpose-of-sex-is-not-pleasure/ You have said it well, thank you!
No the scriptures in Ecclesiastes do not pertain ONLY to marriage, but it definitely applies to marriage and I believe is an appropriate scripture for a wedding. You literally have that second person it speaks about for life. That doesn’t mean there won’t be others to whom you will join in endeavors and achieve success. And I agree that no one should be shamed because they are single ever. It is true you can focus more on ministry without distractions as a single person. That is unless your desire for sex becomes a distraction then it’s better to get married. Paul said, “I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
1 Corinthians 7:35 NLT
Maybe Paul thought singleness was the ideal but please don’t put that on God. If it was God’s ideal, then procreation would cease because God’s ideal is sex within marriage. If singleness was the ideal there’d be no pregnancy. That would violate Gods initial command to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. God also said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, so he made a helper for him. Paul also compared marriage to Christ’s relationship with the Church. We are His bride. There will be a marriage supper. I’m not stating one is better than the other but it sounds like you are and I don’t see how that is in sync with other scriptures. Paul was stating his opinion in some of what he said in 1 Cor. 7. For instance, “I WISH that all the people were as I am; but each person has his own gift from God, one of this kind and one of that.”
1 Corinthians 7:7 AMP. He knew GOD didn’t give everyone the gift of celibacy. I’m sorry people have shamed you for being single. And I pray the Lord bring healing to your heart and soul.