What comes to mind when you hear the phrase grace filled sexuality? I know I have Jesus’s grace, so if I live sexually in a way that is different than God’s design/commands, I’m okay and I’ll be forgiven.
The Christian whose sexual desires differ from God’s design for sex often find themselves in quite a quandary. God says sex is meant for a lifetime covenant of marriage between a man and a woman (Genesis 2:24, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20). He goes on to say that fantasizing about sex outside of his design for marriage is as much a sin as the act itself (Matthew 5:27-28). This is an extremely high standard to live up to, contrasting pretty much the entire gamut of sexual desire. Whether we’re talking about those who look at pornography, are having premarital sex, are cheating on their spouse, are in homosexual relationships (including transgender transitions), are divorced and remarried, or those who lust, there are very few who live up to God’s holy standard for sexuality.
But we know that grace is offered to all who will receive it.
So then, how will we live?
There’s a lot of valid talk nowadays about nature vs. nurture and about how a person is wired sexually. Many have wrestled with the question, “Why did God make me this way?” I’m heterosexual and married and I often ask God the same question! While I don’t like to admit it, I am definitely wired to be attracted to multiple women. It is the way I am wired. I’ve battled it for many years, cried out to God for healing in it, and nothing has taken it away. I promise I am not speaking facetiously here. There’s nothing worse than wanting to be faithful to the wife you love and being constantly drawn like a magnet toward other women. Random women. Women you know. Women you’ve never met. It’s never ending and at times, is downright torture.
Many can relate.
In talking about such wirings, I know many also want to keep score. Some will read what I just wrote and say they never want to hear a complaint from a married heterosexual again. I understand where this person is coming from, but I also would caution anyone (including myself) from acting like they know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes. Over my years of ministry, I have counseled hundreds of people through sexual and marital issues. Let me ask you a trick question:
Which is worse / more unfair: to be heterosexual and married to a spouse who ignores you and won’t have sex with you, or to be homosexual and told by the Evangelical church that being single and celibate is your way of living within God’s design for sex?
Pause before you answer. Pause if you’re tempted to lash out. Read through the question again.
There’s no correct answer to that question. They are both very difficult. They are both unique. Neither needs to be compared to the other. There isn’t a winner and loser in a “I got a worse hand from God” competition.
That’s usually how we treat these things though. God dealt me the worst hand, therefore I’m entitled to live how I want sexually.
And plus there’s grace, so why wouldn’t I?
I’ve counseled both, and surprisingly, the solution is the same.
And now back to grace…
Oftentimes, we think of grace as nothing more than a license to sin. I’ll be forgiven no matter what, so I can pretty much do whatever I want. This dilemma is much larger than our sexuality and has been debated in theological circles ever since the message of the grace of Jesus was first preached 2000 years ago. Romans 6:1 sums this question up well,
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?
Of course, Paul follows this up in verse 2 with a very emphatic, “By no means!” Also saying in Galatians 5:13, “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh.”
The New Testament is emphatically stating here (and many other places) that grace is not a license to sin. In fact, if that’s someone’s take on grace, it’s unlikely they’ve tasted true grace.
We find this true grace in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. The same Apostle Paul who wrote Romans 6 and Galatians 5 wrote this about his own struggle to follow Jesus:
I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
One is left to wonder what Paul’s thorn was. How was Paul wired that differed from God’s design in such a way that it tormented him? We know Paul was single. Maybe he was gay? Maybe he was transgender? Maybe he was just lonely and felt something was missing from his life since he didn’t have a “soul mate”? Maybe his singleness really caused him struggle with lust? Maybe it was something else altogether. The ailment is not the point, because all ailments have the same cure: grace.
Sufficient grace.
The grace of Jesus is sufficient for anything, any thorn that torments us. Does sufficiency mean the thorn (and torment) go away? Obviously not! Paul pleaded with God three times to no avail! If the man who wrote half the New Testament couldn’t get God to remove his thorn, what chances do you or I have? While definitely not impossible, God is very unlikely to just remove your “wiring”, your desire, or how you feel.
But he will give you an even better substitute for what you long for. He will give you himself!
Do not roll your eyes here. God is giving you himself! That’s pretty freaking awesome.
He didn’t remove Paul’s thorn, yet we know that Paul still lived (to his best ability) according to God’s standards for sexuality–that sex is meant to be had within the marriage of a man and woman alone. For the record, if Paul’s thorn was homosexuality, transgenderism, or longing to lust, none of these longings are sins. They are simply longings. Wirings. We cannot and do not control them. It’s what we do with them that equates to sin or not. (Read my article about that here)
What we are longing for in any sexual relationship is intimacy. We are all cups with holes in the bottom, hoping that this next sexual pouring will be the one that fills us up and keeps us that way. The intimacy we long for from sex can only truly be found in Jesus. The completeness we think sex will give us can only be found in Jesus. If my spouse isn’t giving me what I feel entitled to, I run to Jesus’s grace, being reminded of how much I already have in Him that I don’t deserve, filling me with incredible peace.
Jesus’s grace doesn’t tell me I can sin, it gives me something that is better than sin (even if it doesn’t feel that way to my flesh).
When I feel empty, I go to grace. Grace sustains me. It is sufficient for me. It tells me I am loved by God. The holy God of the universe loves me, has adopted me as his son, and gives me the identity of holy and righteous because of what Jesus did on the cross for me. I’m new, renewed and made perfect through him.
Grace doesn’t make bad people good, it makes dead people alive.
Grace is sufficient because we know it’s the only place where true, eternal, sufficient life is found. Sin is the free sample cart, but grace is the buffet.
Grace is what allows martyrs to say, “You can take everything from me, but give me Jesus.”
It’s what allowed Paul to say in Philippians 1:21, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
Paul called it our thorn, Jesus called it our cross…
Luke 9:23-25 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?
Grace is worth giving up everything for, including acting on how we are wired.
How is this possibly worth it? It’s worth it because I’ve drank from grace. Grace has resurrected me.
The bigger the thorn, the bigger the grace!
I can live with the torment of the thorn, that constant desire to live against God’s design for sex, because I’m fueled by a truer life-source than anything my sexuality can deliver.
Truth is not based on how I feel, it’s based on what’s real. Grace to sustain me is real.
The more we taste this true grace of Jesus, the more we will surrender our lives of sin over to him: trading in our own attempts to salve our wounds for the sweetness and sufficiency of his grace. Grace we don’t deserve, but have been given freely.
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Do you think things that happen to us when we’re young change our wiring from what God intended? I mean, if one’s 1st sexual encounter is someone older of the same sex taking advantage of you, would that change your wiring from being hetero? Or did not fighting back mean one is wired gay? What does it mean for wiring if in your teens all hetero sex bombs out even though you hate the idea of gay sex? Is it just fighting the wiring?
When I came across your title, Grace Filled Sexuality, I didn’t think it was about how much you can get away with but how much it can be. But I don’t know how to rewire. It’s dumb, but I sometimes think if I knew Jesus as a kid everything would have been different.
You say grace is worth giving up everything for, I want to know how you give up the wiring. It’s the wiring that’s sinful. As a pastor, it’s brave but it must also be tough to admit your weakness for other women. But I’ll tell you what dude, I know I could never bring myself to have sex with another guy, and I’d give anything if I could experience what you do for just one day. Your wiring for women is just better.
I don’t know how to get past my wiring. How do you separate your wiring from you? How do you get wired for grace?
Apologies upfront, but I hope you’ll understand why this is anonymous.
I know men who struggle with same sex attraction but at the same time, they understand that homosexuality is a sin so they abstain from all sexual acts of a homosexual nature. They can’t change their wiring for whatever reason but they love the Lord enough to say exactly what you did, “I’m not going to act on those urges…..ever, because it’s sin”. I don’t believe the wiring is the sin my friend. Acting on the impulses is the sin. If you understand homosexuality is wrong and because of that have said you’re not acting on those desires, I think you’re further along in the fight than you think you are. If there were things in your childhood that helped “wire” you that way, see a counselor and get some help with those traumas. Believe me, as someone who had to get counseling for things that happened to me in my childhood, it helps…. a lot!
I will be praying for God’s wisdom and mercy to fall on you my friend. Never forget that He loves you right where you are and your abstention from sin makes Him so proud of you. 🙂 Sounds corny, but it’s true.
Hey man, thanks for the kind words, but everything in me is telling me the wiring itself is sin. As a guy, being sexually attracted to guys seems morally to not only to be a vice, but corrupt. Am I thankful for the grace to have self-control not to act out, yeah, but abstaining seems miles removed from anything pure or virtuous. The pastor writes about wanting to be faithful to his wife but torn by his desire for other women. He gets props for fighting successfully but there’s love and devotion from a pure heart that would exclude all other women because of the character of a pure heart. I’m not busting on the pastor, his opposite sex attraction is morally miles superior to my SSA. I follow Jesus with the hope that he’ll change my character not just my actions.
I know God loves me, it’s only grace that’s kept me from acting out. As for counseling, after coming to Jesus I found real forgiveness not only for my part in what happened but also for the guy who took advantage. I don’t know what’s happened with him, but I really hope he’s found Jesus too. I thought I had made peace with it, haven’t thought about it in years and I’ve never told anyone and I regret mentioning it here. The pastor needs a blog with Edit or Delete controls.
God is good Paul, this Jesus road promises that one day I’ll be like Jesus; until then I’m glad he sees his son when he’s looking at me.
Pastor, I crossed the line leaving my comment a couple days ago, and I apologize. I don’t know, it was late and what you wrote about screwed up wiring being torture triggered something. But I was being an idiot sharing stuff I shouldn’t have on a blog. Can you just ignore the 1st paragraph? Or delete it if offensive.
I read your post again and what I’m getting is the best most of us who are screwed up sexually can hope for is not acting out on our wiring. I thought following Jesus meant hope of getting rewired, that the cross was where you dealt with bad wiring. Does grace just mean living better with bad wiring? You’re a pastor, aren’t you expecting that following Jesus means you become that guy who only has eyes for his wife? Maybe not this year but one year. For me, that wiring’s like an undertow deep in the soul always trying to pull me out further into an ocean of self. I thought the wiring is why I’m wicked.
If I’m being honest, I’m just staying afloat Not acting out never seems enough. The more I fight, the more conscience keeps saying I’ll never be better than how I’m wired. I’ve been fighting a long time but winning never seems like freedom. If the wiring never changes, where’s freedom? Anyway, maybe I’m misreading you. I appreciate your honesty about your struggle.
Hi Anonymous, I apologize for my loooong delay in getting back to you, please don’t take it personally. I took all of July off for a sabbatical and so am just now getting caught up. I’m thankful when people share honestly on my blog. With that, I too write things I later wish I hadn’t so if there’s anything you’d like me to delete, I’d be happy to for you. Just let me know the first few words of the paragraph in question and I’ll take it out if you’d like.
SSA is not an easy thing to navigate that’s for sure.
This is a great question, don’t be afraid or embarrassed to ask it. I think the answer is yes and no. No, I think for most of us are actual attraction will never change. I’m still attracted to other women, which is really frustrating to be honest with you. But, what has changed is where I find my identity so now I can filter / process these attractions in not only a Christ-honoring way, but in a way where I can live at peace, not going crazy all the time. I can elaborate on that, but basically I’m referring to when I find my validation, approval and identity in what Jesus has done for me and given me, I don’t long to find this from a woman (whether that’s my wife or someone I’m tempted by). Please let me know how this sounds.
I’m also going to ask my friend Jim Decke to chime in on this as I know he’s really wrestled with this roller coaster of SSA, thinking of your quote,
Type his name in the “Search” box of my blog to find some articles and sermons he’s helped me with.
Noah, it must be great getting a month away. Get any writing done, or was it just recharging? Don’t worry about the delete. Something growing up that I thought I had made peace with tumbled out and I was ashamed I wrote it, but it’s no big deal being anonymous.
“I find my validation, approval and identity in what Jesus has done for me and given me, I don’t long to find this from a woman…”
I appreciate that and agree. If I could not find life knowing Jesus, I don’t know what I’d do, but there’s real joy sharing in who He is and what He’s done and given. The only thing that’s really solid in this life is what’s in Christ. I don’t know if it makes any sense since you’re straight, but it’s not identity in Christ I struggle with, it’s identity as a guy, as a man. The further I follow Jesus, the more I’m convinced that whatever attractions are inside, it would dishonor Jesus to act on them. It leaves me feeling like a robot with all the parts but without the battery. I know for all the great Christian women out there, I could never be the man they deserve. And that does a number on a guy’s soul, at least for me. What you have for your wife, and even your struggles seeing other women, for one hour I’d like to know what that is like. I’d have to confess my lust to God after, and maybe it’s sin to want to know that, but SSA is just a huge hit to being a godly man.
I read some of Jim Decke’s posts and watched your sermon you did together. It was good and I really appreciate his testimony of being faithful to Jesus but I can’t tell if what I wrote above would register with him. As a Christian and as a guy, he seems really solid. For me, this thing sometimes goes deep and it’s a struggle. As a Christian though, I find grace in the struggle just meditating on really basic things, that God is and that He’s able to do what He says in my life. I’ve found it’s good to say to myself the doxologies in Romans, Ephesians and Jude, and make them personal. “To You who is able to strengthen me…”, “To You who is able to do more than I ask or think according to the power that works within me…”, “To You who is able to present me blameless with great joy…” I’ll do that outside seeing the stars and all the other stuff seems like nothing and what you wrote lives, grace is real and powerful.
You know me, but I could never bring myself to tell you face to face the things I’ve written above. I don’t know if it’s because you’re straight or a pastor or a jock (or used to be 🙂 but this shame kicks in. But maybe when I’m back in Michigan, if you’re available we can catch a cup of coffee and talk as brothers and friends.
Thanks again for writing. I think a lot of men with SSA need to hear what you wrote:
It reminds me of some of the Psalms, just the struggle of it. Or of 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. I think one of Satan’s biggest lies, no matter what your struggle is, is to get us to think we are alone in our struggle. Stigmatizes it even more. So when you write that, others with SSA will read it and no, it won’t fix them as it won’t fix you, but I think they will see that they can find sustaining grace as well.
I think Jim would be the first to admit he doesn’t feel very solid, it’s one of the things I most appreciate about him is his humility, honesty and brokenness. I think anyone who goes to the Bible for their foundation is solid, no matter how shaky we are as people. It’s like that parable Jesus tells of the solid foundation on the rock or the weak one on the sand. It’s what our foundation is made of that determines if we’re solid or not, not what we as the structure as made of. I’ve actually never really thought of it that way, but that’s a cool image.
Feel free to contact me when you’re in Michigan, I’d love to talk and hang out. And don’t worry, I was never that good at being a jock. I sat the bench all through high school, got cut from the baseball team 3 times so I finally went out for track (a nerd sport! 🙂 ) then ran track and cross country in college (Cross country is the ultimate nerd sport!).
I’m praying for you brother!
I ran the 2 mile in HS track and I guess it is kinda nerdy, but it’s tons better than golf. With apologies to any golfer reading this, I question any sport where you never run anywhere. Then again, they used to award letters to the chess team. Geesh.
The image of the foundation being more vital than what’s resting on it is awesome and true. SSA like other struggles are just a trap to get you looking away from Jesus and still too often I fall into it. How great is His grace that you only fall so far, and then His life makes you to stand and go on. And that road, man, there’s nothing better than needing Jesus for each step.
The prayers matter, thanks. Keep well brother.
I’ve been trying to make sense of my questions that I’m struggling with since leaving the comments above. I get impatient because I want SSA to be gone. But I’m realizing that there’s sins that we do that we confess and there’s sin that dwells within (Romans 7) that we fight. When I confuse the two I start to lose faith and hope. When I believe that following Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean that in this world I’ll be free of SSA within but being in Christ does mean that I can be free from it, there’s power thru faith to fight and be free and encouragement to go on. In Christ, SSA is not the only wiring available.
Freedom, only word to describe it, free in/thru/with Jesus. Maybe for the first time since being a kid, free from all that stuff above and more. I’m sure the SSA stuff will try to claw, but so what, free in Christ. I usually write too much and don’t really have the words to explain anyway so let me just say thank you Noah for ministering grace in rough times.
Amen to freedom Alan! There is such freedom in Christ. I’m so thankful God keeps taking me deeper into that freedom when I screw things up, rather than him giving up on me.
Hey man, just saw this…used to get email about replies but think the blog notification deal shifted. Anyway, thanks again…not going back to prison or rattling my chains on your blog.
Just curious, do you not get email notifications when someone comments on a thread anymore? If not, I’ll go into my settings and see if I can figure out how to fix that.
Yeah, not for the posts from the last year or two. Reason I checked back in was I got 7-8 emails about the Joel Osteen post but think that’s from 2-3 years ago, but those were the only notifications. I just checked in figuring you were hitting up responses and checked this cause I remembered I had left a comment here. If you left comments looking for a response and didn’t get one, it may be cause guys didn’t know you had left a comment. Yeah, if you can change the settings it would be great, my memory sucks and I’ve probably missed some.
I found a new setting where you can click a checkbox now when leaving a comment that will subscribe you to new comments on that thread. You can also “like” other comments in the thread now.