With all of the posts I’ve been doing on pornography, I thought it’d be important for me to share my story with pornography so readers can relate to where I’m coming from. I share this so you know you’re not alone, to know Jesus forgives all who ask, and to know you can be free. There is hope.
My personal battle against pornography started innocently enough. I was hitting puberty in middle school and began sneaking away the department store bra ads from the newspaper. I honestly was not sure if what I was doing was wrong, and I certainly wasn’t about to ask anyone about it.
I then remember sitting at my computer, home alone, with my parents having just left for the evening and my brothers out as well. The bra ads weren’t getting it done for me anymore and I wondered what else was out there. My conscience had shifted a notch, from a place of innocence to a tug telling me that this was probably wrong. I justified it in my mind by figuring if I didn’t ask anyone if it was wrong, I could continue looking from a place of ignorance. I told myself I would never look at naked women, because I knew that would be wrong, and decided I would only look at women in swimsuits. My first stop was the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition website. From here, I was hooked. I would stop back at the swimsuit edition website and others like it whenever I had the opportunity.
As those with pornography addictions can attest to, you eventually need more stimulus to get the same level of high that you used to be able to get with less stimulus. In fact, science has shown that pornography does the same to our brain’s dopamine rush as drug addiction does, with the brain needing higher (more intense) quantities of the same stimulus to produce the same rush. This is why drug addicts need more and harder drugs in order to get the same high feeling they used to be able to get with less. It’s also why people need more and harder porn in order to continue to satisfy themselves.
The long story short is that the swimsuits quickly came off in the photos I sought out, as my flesh desired more and more stimulus. By this time I knew what I was doing was wrong and I wanted out, but it was too late to stop; my body was hooked.
What you have to understand about my pornography addiction is that once I was into it, I didn’t want it. I wasn’t talking openly to my friends about it, as many of my non-Christian friends were, and I certainly wasn’t proud of it. It was something I was ashamed of, something I had committed to God time and time again that I would stop, and something I was fighting furiously against to be rid of. The guilt that would overtake me after looking at it (always ending in masturbation) was overwhelming. I don’t know how many times I told God that this would be the last time, only to find myself back at it the next day, or even later the same day. Every time getting the rush, then feeling like garbage, then committing again to God that I’d stop. I made private commitments at Christian camps that I’d never do it again, only to be back at it within a day or two of arriving home. I’d memorize Bible verses, placing them on cards around my room. I even started marking days on my calendar to give myself a visual of how bad this was getting.
My parents found me out one time. They discovered the history records on the computer and interrogated me about what I had been looking at. I confessed and felt absolutely terrible. I honestly thought at this time that I would never look at it again.
This lasted a week.
I discovered I could easily delete the history on our computer’s browser. Without this accountability, I was back at it. I was living a double-life, but it truly was not intentional.
I wasn’t truly able to break the addictive cycle until my freshman year of college at Cornerstone University where I found other Christian guys who cared about sexual purity, were willing to talk about it, and who desired to be free. This accountability opened the door for me for the addictive chains of porn to fall off. If you are struggling with porn, you have to talk to trusted Christians about it.
This was a huge victory for me. It wasn’t the end of my journey toward sexual purity or my last bout with porn, as Satan found new ways to tempt me once I got married. But it was a break of the longstanding chain of addiction and its vicious cycle, a break that ended up only being sustainable with the computer program Covenant Eyes (use promo code BEYOND to get 2 months free) and the continued strengthening and conversation with fellow Christian men.
Jesus forgives. Confess your sins to him, be cleansed, then seek out Christians you can confide in who will help keep you on the path of freedom.
He is:
Author of Beyond the Battle: A man's guide to his identity in Christ in an oversexualized world
Host of the The Flip Side Podcast
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Thanks for sharing your testimony. God is so good! He meets us where we are, and loves us the same. Your testimony gives me hope that I can shake my insecurities about not looking like or acting like those women in those videos or pictures. That I don’t need lessons or reading material (Cosmo mag) to figure out “how to please” my husband someday. Our society is so saturated with sex and sexuality- who’s having it, not having it, and it only amplifies the pressures to act on it, especially out of the context of marriage which is the only context God intended it to happen. I want to see a Purity Revolution so men and women can be free of the lies of the “liberation” during the Sexual Revolution. Sexual promiscuity has only ever caused the spread of disease, pain, objectification of people and distance from God. I hope the current generation will be outspoken in combating this issue publicly and not shy away from the discussion that needs to be had with the upcoming generations. This issue will not be solved by sweeping it under the rug and pretending it doesn’t affect almost every person with access to the internet. We must be willing to speak out against it and shed a light on the darkness. We need to be proactive instead of reactive.
Thanks for the great post Carolena, and for sharing your struggles in this area as well. I agree, I think every single person struggles in the area of sex one way or another, and behind the scenes these struggles are powerful and really bring us down, yet in public we hardly talk about these things as Christians. One of Satan’s biggest lies to everyone is “You are all alone, no one else struggles with these things; everyone else has it figured out. If you told anyone, they’d judge you for it.” So I like to share my story to hopefully shatter that lie for some, and hopefully move them to share their story with someone and seek out some help and support. Not sure if you saw it yet, but the poem I posted from Micah Bournes is pretty powerful in relation to what your comment is about: http://www.cutthereligiouscheese.com/virginity-is-curable/
Noah – Any commentary on what makes a good accountability partner? I see a lot of suggestions that guys (and girls) need one but nothing about what specifically that should entail. What did it look like in your community? What works? What doesn’t?
Thanks for sharing!
Great question Heather. I think accountability partners need to be same gender for sure. I’ve also found that traditional church small groups do not make for good accountability settings because 1. they are mixed gender, and 2. they are too many people — and these things create a culture of surface-level issues. Not bashing small groups, but this just isn’t the purpose they fill. My best accountability partner was and still is my friend Steve Rice, who I was roommates in college with for 2 years. So we were able to talk about this stuff every day, as a regular part of our friendship. I think that’s how it has to work for it to be effective and sustainable. It can’t be “hey let’s meet for coffee and such and such a date and do accountability” — that’s not a bad thing, but it’s not sustainable. It needs to be a good friend you talk to a lot already and this becomes a regular part of your friendship culture, to talk to each other and pray with each other about your doing with lust, with porn, in your marriages (or with bf/gf), with fantasy, etc. Steve and I know there is always something we can be praying for each other on, it’s not a matter of “did you sin this week or not?” It’s more a matter of, where do you need to be strengthened? We all need to be strengthened, so we need to find trusted Christian friends who can help us do this — porn, sexual purity, etc. needs to be a part of that conversation, along with all other areas of spiritual strengthening. The tricky part is churches can’t program this. Churches can make efforts to create environments where you can find friends like this though, and can challenge people from the pulpit to make efforts to create this spaces in their lives. We’ve developed a “program” at Crossroads called Triads to try to be a catalyst for this, which is in “beta” mode right now, but we are having some success with and also learning and tweaking as we go. Basically are groups of 3 same-gender ppl who meet every other week to discuss spiritual behaviors, purity being one of them. As that gets less Beta and more fine-tuned, I plan to post that material on here as well.
In my book I do a whole section on if people should talk to their spouses about their porn issues (i.e. should your spouse be your accountability partner?). I’ll post that as a blog here soon. Great question Heather, thanks for asking.
Hey man, saw this on the sidebar. . . impressed that a pastor is so open. Know this is old post so not sure if you’ll see this. You won’t be surprised that there’s lots of gay porn too. Not sure how far straight porn goes but gay porn can get really dark. Have seen things that I’d never do in real life but kept looking further and further. . . like you said, need to go further each time. Know it was stuff out of character for me but what became troubling was seemed my heart was into it. Have this thought that if I had stopped with soft stuff that I would be better. . . that each new depth sped the corruption of my flesh. Came away with shame, guilt and fear. For me started looking at porn after I had realized that I shouldn’t/couldn’t do real stuff anymore. Justified it at first thinking it wasn’t doing the real thing, had given that up. . . can justify anything.
Telling you this to say that gay guys struggle with this too and that the results are the same. Also to get it off my chest. . . hard enough to be gay and Christian and know fellowship. . . not many have interest in hearing from a gay guy with porn troubles. Can find forgiveness from this in Christ but ministry to others takes a hit. . . . faith is strongest when it is firm and steadfast and porn moves the heart from the Lord. Like to say I’m totally free but every 6 months to a year seem to fall. . . each time pick up at the depth I left off. . . time doesn’t heal corruption in the flesh. Know if I were to stop for 10 years, in the 11th year would pick up where I left off. . . the flesh is a prison. Has driven me to the Lord more and have learned a lot about grace from repeated failure but so long for a redeemed body. . . and until then victory. Worse thing about this at this point in my walk is how far it is from pleasing the Lord. Forgiveness makes the desire to be holy stronger. . . looking to that time when I can look back over the past year without this in evidence. . . that I was faithful in this. Not sure if you get grief for mentioning porn as a pastor but keep mentioning it. Porn steals so much.
Meant to mention this. . . the link to your book gives an error message.
Trying to help your book sales man. . .
Thanks for the heads up on the link, Alan. I wrote out that entire book and then decided to scrap it! I’m currently in process of rewriting it, as I have time, and will seek publishing after that. I’ll update this post so it doesn’t have the old link, and when the book comes out (whenever that may be), I’ll definitely give you a heads up. Thanks for the encouragement.
Sure sounds like a lot of work to scrap. . . you must have something better to say to write new. Will pray that God gives grace in Christ to write. Signed up for blog updates and will look for the book.
Thank you for your honesty Alan. A lot of people don’t realize that porn actually reshapes our brain the way a drug does, making us need bigger hits of it to get the same rush feeling, it’s a bad cycle. I encourage you to get filters on any online access you have, which I write about here: http://www.atacrossroads.net/best-porn-free-filters-mac-pc-android-iphone-ipad/ and keep taking this to the Lord, asking him to remind you of his truth every day. I’m finding one of my biggest needs is to make my appetite for the Lord and the Bible and for prayer bigger and bigger. When I’m able to do this, slowly but surely it outweighs my appetite for temptation. But like you said, thank God his grace and mercy is so overflowing to us. Keeping fighting brother, I was neck deep in porn and am free from it and I know you can be too.
Thanks are yours man. . . appreciate that you’re a straight Christian who didn’t shut down. First time I told anyone about the porn. . . after reading your blog and posting, took a shot that you wouldn’t be ashamed to call me a brother. . . really grateful man.
Didn’t know the brain stuff till I read one of your posts. . . just knew the effects of the rut. Great word to stay closer to the Lord. . . find when the heart is all in porn has no place. Your story has really encouraged and given me hope. Free is worth the fight.
Amen, brother! Jesus’ grace is for all of us, that’s for sure!