An article in the USA Today section of the Lansing State Journal caught my eye recently, “Sex before first date OK, but a cracked phone? Think again.” The article breaks down some of the 2017 Singles in America survey, an annual survey funded by the dating service Match. The most jaw-dropping takeaway from the survey is that 34% of singles have had sex before a first date. This was followed up by a quote from Match’s chief scientific adviser Helen Fisher:
Sex before the first date could be a ‘sex interview,’ where they want to know if they want to spend time with this person.
And from Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist:
We used to think of sex as you crossed the line now you are in an intimate zone, but now sex is almost a given and it’s not the intimate part. The intimate part is getting to know someone and going on a date.
Let that sink in for a second.
It used to be that people were taught to save sex until marriage, now they aren’t even saving it until the first date!
Where do I even begin?
The first thing that comes to mind is how animalistic our culture’s ideas toward sex are. Whether you are an atheist or a Christian, my hope is we could all agree that a stray dog’s impulse for sex would be lived out differently than a human beings. I know that sounds harsh, but sex as an interview? Sex as a given and not the intimate part? I thought that was what a handshake or a “hello” was?
This trend shouldn’t be surprising as we are now a culturally fully raised on porn. I say fully because the first wave of porn kids like myself are now well into adulthood. It used to be the older generation was much less warped by porn and it was the younger generation who was secretly addicted. Now nothing is secret, everything is celebrated and out in the open, and kid and adult alike are as warped as can be when it comes to what sex was designed to be for. The fact that Fifty Shades of Grey is such a cultural phenomena should make it no surprise that sex with a stranger is now as acceptable and non-intimate as a handshake. Sex before a first date is literally just porn in living color. It’s taking the video or website you can’t get enough of and making it a reality. Oh, but we can stop whenever we want, right? Yeah sex with a stranger is another step beyond porn, but it’s not like we’re going to take further steps than that right?
While we have sex like animals, doing whatever we feel like, whenever with we feel like it, with whoever we feel like doing it with, we still long for the true design of sex. This is where the real irony, and hopefully sobering, comes in. I wrote a full article dedicated to this: Our Culture’s Shattered Dream: The Best of Both Worlds When It Comes to Sex. We lust and have sex with whoever we please, not caring how that shapes our brains to consume and objectify people, or what it will do to our society as a whole, but we still long to be cared for and supported. We still long for someone who will be there for us through thick and thin and for someone who cares about us as a human being, not just as a collection of body parts and sexual organs. We still long to not be discarded like an empty bag of chips. The problem we can’t seem to get away from is we are looking for a gourmet meal in the alley dumpster, wondering why we keep coming up empty.
It’s also important to examine what I mean by “our society as a whole.” Lust, objectification and selfishness being the new normal not only affect the way we view other people, they produce all kinds of cultural defects: sky high divorce rates, single parent homes being the norm (do we really think children were designed to grow up with one parent?), millions of abortions, sexual harassment, rape, child molestation, let alone the every day heartbreak of being used or dumped after the bond of sex has already been created. Honestly people could care less about the next generation of children, or children in general, they only care about claiming their next sexual prize, feeling that rush of being adored, and getting their sexual fix met. Just like a drug addict, the repercussions don’t matter so long as that high is coming. And the repercussions keep coming and coming and coming.
Last but not least, we live in a culture where the worst thing you can do is tell someone they are doing something destructive to themselves and to society. Because how dare you try to impose your values onto me? I am free to make my own choices so leave me alone. Said the drug addict. Said the sex addict. Said the porn addict. Said the one whose brain and sexual lifestyle has been twisted to being closer to a stray dog’s than a human beings. Said one who truly does not know what love is. As if absolute truth doesn’t exist, but we are each free to make up our own truth for ourselves and we all must agree that is okay. If my truth creates a trail of despair in its wake, so be it.
We’ve all contributed to the mess our society is in. Every time we vote for more lust by clicking that website or indulge our brain’s desire to consume and objectify or act as if Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions and Fifty Shades of Grey franchises are harmless, we contribute to this mess.
It’s time to stop flaunting and celebrating selfishness as the highest good. It’s time to stop thinking that all of our bodily urges are absolute truth. It’s time to stop being sexual atheists, as if God has no say in how we should act sexually. As if he’s not the Creator of sex! As if He is unable to supply us the affection, approval, and validation we are so desperately longing for sex and pornography to give us.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
-Genesis 2:24-25
So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.
-Colossians 2:10 NLT
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Author of Beyond the Battle: A man's guide to his identity in Christ in an oversexualized world
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